Best Friend Rights and Responsibilities

by Mindy Kaling

I CAN BORROWER ALL YOUR CLOTHES
Anything in your closet, no matter how fancy, is co-owned by me, your best friend. I can borrow it for as long as I want. If I get something on it or lose, I should make all good faith attempts to get it cleaned or buy you a new one, but I don’t need to do that, and you still have to love me. If I ruin something of yours and don’t replace it, you’re allowed to talk shit about me to your other friends for one calender year. That’s it. Then you have to get over it. One stipulation to my borrowing your clothes is that you have to have worn the item one before I borrower it. I’m not a monster.

WE SLEEP IN THE SAME BED
If we’re on a trip or if our boyfriends are away, and there’s a bed bigger than a twin, we’re partnering up. It is super weird for us not to share a bed. How else will we talk until we fall asleep?

I MUST BE 1OO PERCENT HONEST ABOUT HOW YOU LOOK, BUT GENTLE
Your boyfriend is never going to tell you that your skirt is too tight and riding up too high on you. In fact, you shouldn’t even have asked him, poor guy. He wants to have sex with you no matter how pudgy you are. I am the only person besides your mom who has the right (and responsibility) to tell you that. I should never be overly harsh when something doesn’t look that good on you, because I know you are fragile about this, and so am I. I will employ the gentle, vague expression, “I’m not crazy about that on you,” which should mean to you “Holy shit, take that off, that looks terrible!” I owe it to you to give you feedback like a cattle prod: painful, but quick.

I CAN DITCH YOU, WITHIN REASON
I can ditch you to hang out with a guy but only if that possibility has been discussed and getting-a-ride-home practicalities have been work out, prior to the event. In return, I need to talk about you a lot with that guy so he knows how much I love you.

I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOUR KID IF YOU DIE
I can’t even write about this, it’s too sad. But yes, I will do that. And you will have one awesome little kid who hears endless stories about how amazing and beautiful and perfect you were. Incidentally, your kid will grow up loving Indian food.

I WILL NURSE YOU BACK TO HEALTH
If you are crippled in pain because of a UTI, I need to haul ass to CVS to get you some medicine fast. I should also try to pick up a fashion magazine and the candy you like, because distracting you from your pain is part of nursing you back to health.

WE WILL TRADE OFF BEING SOCIAL ACTIVITIES CHAIR FOR OUR OUTINGS
On trips together, I promise to man up and be the person who drives the rental car sometimes, or uses my credit card and has people pay me back later. Someone needs to check on Yelp and see what a good brunch place is. Neither of us gets to be the princess all the time. I get that.

I WILL KEEP YOUR FAVORITE FEMININE HYGIENE PRODUCT AT MY HOUSE
Even though no one uses maxipads anymore, like you do, weirdo, I will keep a box at my house for when you come over.

SAME WITH YOUR CONTACT LENS SOLUTION
I can’t believe you won’t get lasik already. You can afford it. I know you read someone went blind from it, but that was like twenty years ago. Not getting lasik at this point is like being that girl in 2006 who didn’t have a cell phone.

I WILL TRY TO LIKE YOUR BOYFRIEND FIVE TIMES
This is a fair number of times to hang out with your boyfriend and withhold judgement.

WHEN I TAKE A SHOWER AT YOUR PLACE, I WON’T DROP THE TOWEL ON THE FLOOR
Your home isn’t a hotel. I forget sometimes because you make it so comfortable for me.

IF YOU’RE DEPRESSED, I WILL BE THERE FOR YOU
As everyone know, depressed people are some of the most boring people in the world. I know this because when I was depressed, people fled. Except my best friends.
I will be there for you during your horrible break-up, for getting fired from your job, or if you’re just having a bad couples of months or year. I will hate it and find you really tedious, but I promise I won’t abandon you.

IF YOUR PHONE CONVERSATION GETS DISCONNECTED, THERE IS NO NEED TO CALL BACK
I get you. You get it. We take forever getting off the phone anyway. This was a blessing.

I WILL HATE AND RE-LIKE PEOPLE FOR YOU
But you can’t get mad if I can’t keep track. Robbie? Don’t we hate him? No, we love him? okay okay sorry.

IT IS OK TO TAKE ME FOR GRANTED
I know when you fall in love with someone you will completely forget about me. That hurts my feelings, but it is ok. Please try and remember to text me, if you can, if you know I have something going on in my life, like a work promotion or something.

NO TWO PEOPLE ARE BETTER THAN US.
We f-ing rock. No one can beat us.

*excerpts from her book “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without me?”
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Christmas Day/Evening

After presents and breakfast we went to church. It was really good and nice to see everyone that I haven’t in a really long time.
Outside next to the Redlands Temple.

I went home and took a little nap and then helped my mom get dinner ready. My Grandpa Davis came over and I ate so much I wanted to die. So yummy.

Taylor and I with our Santa.

Later that night Taylor and I took Adam some food because he had to work most of the day.

More movies at night! I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!

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Christmas Morning!

I’m not sure if you know how much I love Christmas…BUT probably just as much as I did when I was like three years old. I LOVE CHRISTMAS!
I love the smells, the music, singing, treats, presents, gifting, decorations, shopping, going home, movies etc! However I hate that Christmas morning is soooo short!
My mom made us homemade cinnamon rolls, which by the way are ten thousand times better than Cinnabon or whatever it’s called (and I have a tendency to get suckered into those at airports because they smell so freaking good). She also made this breakfast casserole with potatoes, sausage, eggs…etc…Yummy! So the day started out pretty well 🙂

Adam bringing his load of presents downstairs…despite his face I think he was in a good mood. Haha.

Mom and I

My dad might just like taking pictures more than me…scary I know.

My mom collects Nutcrackers. I love them. This started because I would always have people giving me them when I danced in the Nutcracker so she started collecting, buying, getting as gifts…all kinds. There are a bunch from ballet, a dentist and a boy scout for my dad, a russian one for my grandparents, a drummer for Adam, a little scottish one from my aunt, one that is carrying a baby nutcracker…etc etc. I think there is even one that looks like Santa, and more around the house.

Before presents, Adam insisted on the hunt for the pickle. Have you ever heard of this tradition? We started doing this years ago. Adam always wins because he always pushes us out of the way or cheats somehow…I think Taylor finally won last year…but Adam won again this year. I got an elbow in the face and pushed…lol. The winner gets twenty dollars, so I guess he really needs the money? JK
It is a very old German tradition, where you hide a pickle shaped Christmas ornament somewhere in the Christmas tree. The first to find it gets a special gift (ours is money). There are a couple different versions of the story behind it. But the importance is to savor the time with your family or loved ones and enjoy the beauty of the tree and ornaments while you are looking for the pickle, instead of the presents under the tree. (Obviously Adam doesn’t observe that part).

Next…time for presents!
Tay and I

Adam and I’s one normal picture together a year…

Justin Beiber’s in the making

don’t mind all the animal print surrounding me…

angry elf?

Poor, sad Tika snuck into the present room a few days ago and in one sitting ate all 6 of the packaged bones that my mom got for her Christmas present. Somehow this short, tiny dog got up onto the shelf, unwrapped the bones, and literally ate them all within about 20 minutes…so she didn’t get a Christmas Present this morning…

Family Photo

my mom made me take my shoes off for this one because she said I was too tall…now I feel like a midget…overall I think it turned out pretty good for our family seeing as someone is usally holding up a bunny ears or sneezing or blinking…

MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Hope yours was as fabulous as mine!
So thankful for my family and that I got to be at home!
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